Midlife Crisis or Midlife Epiphany

    I'm 42. OK there it is, I said it. So what does that mean for me? If I expect to live to 75, (the current US average for men) then I've got 33 years left. Of course that isn't guaranteed, I realize how fragile life and health really are. Does that seem depressing or morbid? I don't think so. 
    A mid-life crisis can be defined as a period of dramatic self-doubt  in the middle age of life, about 40, as a result of sensing the passing of your own youth and the imminence of old age. I suppose I don't really qualify since I don't really feel like my "youth" is passed. (maybe I'm just immature) and I don't feel like "old age" is imminent. A lot of the hype of the "mid-life crisis" has been dispelled but it still seems a lot of people at my age get disillusioned with life, have affairs, buy boats, fast cars, get hair implants, etc..      I actually started to think about this a few years ago, it was part of an overall realization that led me to stop smoking and to get into better shape. I have been very fortunate in that my health has always been very good, and of course has even improved in the past few years.
    I also became aware of my personal impact on the earth and society, and began to make some other changes in my life that better reflected my beliefs. Being involved in social, environmental, political ,and humanitarian causes that I believe in. My beliefs are nothing if I don't do something about them, even if it's just something small.
    So what do I do with 33 years. I don't have any children, so I don't have all that to worry about. I see my goals as working to make my little bit of the world better in the little ways I find, and spend some time doing things that allow me to experience the beauty and  truth of our world and it's inhabitants, and of course at the same time, earn an income and support myself. 
    I have found few things that interest me and express so many of my beliefs like bicycling, I love the mechanical aspect, the fitness, being outside, the adventure, interacting with my community, teaching, politics, the environmental and social element of commuting by bicycle. And the social connectedness I have experienced by meeting like minded, (and not like minded, but still on bicycles)  people through bicycling and bicycle activism.
    So would I change anything in my life? Absolutely, but it takes everything I have lived to realized what those things would be. I don't really think knowing those things would have made me any better of a person. Most likely I would have been more arrogant, more outspoken and even less thoughtful, and less trusting, less caring, and less compassionate.
     33 years. I think of all the things I had seen and learned and experienced by age 33. If that's what the final 33 hold in store, then I am a rich man. If it were all to end tomorrow, that would be alright. It's been a great ride, with great family and for the past 12 years with the true love of my life.

Tailwind

 I head over the bridge at Thunderbolt and across to the beautiful wide open expanses of marsh leading towards Wilmington Island. I usually try to ride earlier in the day when it tend to be cooler and less windy, but I worked all weekend, so I'm taking this chance to put in some miles after work. Sometimes I have be willing to be flexible and to make my own opportunities. I have ridden over the Thunderbolt bridge many times, but today it seems like I'll never reach the top. I'm spinning away at the cranks in low gear, as I creep slowly up the incline. When the hill seems too big, just gear way down and keep grinding away.  Even after I crest the top, I have to keep pumping away at the pedals before I finally pick up some speed. Normally I would take advantage of the downhill to shift into a high gear, pedal hard, and speed down the other side, but by now I'm just happy to by pedaling easier. I remind myself, it's OK to coast when I get the chance. As I head down the road into the wind, I'm not "admiring the beauty" very much. I'm down on the drops of the handlebars, trying to remember to keep my head down, and elbows tucked in close, trying to keep my usual pace, but feeling like I'm still pedaling uphill. Thoughts that come to me are things like, "who am I kidding", "Man, I'm too old for this" "what was I thinking". I wonder once if I can even finish the ride, my legs are feeling pretty tired. I don't like to slow down too much, once I do, I feel like just giving up, turning around and riding home. Momentum is half the battle. Or worse yet, pulling over and calling Michael to come get me. I haven't done that yet, and today is no exception, I make it on to Whitemarsh Island, and the welcome shelter of the tree lined Johnny Mercer Blvd. I cross the Turner's Creek bridge, in a slightly better mood. I stop for about a minute to wolf down a half a Clif bar, and gulp the second half of my first water bottle, then back on the road. As I turn onto Hwy 80 near Bull River, I think to myself, "heading home" There's a decent bike lane till Whitemarsh Island and it's a nice break from having to stay so aware of the traffic behind me. The wind is behind me now, pushing me along. I begin working up through the gears and feel like a new man, passing my usual pace by several miles an hour. I need to be more like this wind, the tailwind, that makes things easier for the people around me. How can I do that? Be the tailwind. When am I a headwind? A force that has to be worked against, a hindrance. I need to be more like this wind, the tailwind. Over the bridge to Whitemarsh. Me and the bike are eating up the road, now one last bridge, I climb over it like it's nothing. Then a mile or two more and I'm home.

Fix Me or Not

At one time I was completely consumed with all the internal conflicts and struggles of my psyche. Battles were raging within me, ranging from issues about my origins, sexuality, addiction, depression, and the strangeness in the way I relate to people. Somewhere from that point I have become a pacifist about my soul.  I've given up, at least at present, exploring, conquering, mapping, strategizing, fighting and waging the war within. I quit trying to find reasons and causes and quit trying to put labels on all my dysfunctions. It's not that I didn't do some growing during that part of my life, but I wonder towards what ends. I do think it's important that I did examine myself, but I just don't think I found any results of any great worth. When I began to just accept that I am, like all humans, a result of whatever combination of experiences, genetics, randomness and inspiration than make up the people we are, I made a truce with my faults and flaws. What I did discover is that the specifics are not that important, that there's no "great riddle of my life", no thing that I can "solve" that will  fix me or make everything all better.
  Martin Luther King Jr said, "Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him." I just try to practice that towards myself. Avoiding "internal violence of the spirit". Sometimes I manage to practice that towards others also.